Grumpy Old Git

The diet police are at it again. For years these irritating busy-bodies have been spouting bossy nonsense about what we should or should not be eating or drinking, but recently their plethora of pronouncements has reached a new level of stupidity which can be summarized thus: Everything you like will kill you. Especially if they...

I do not understand why people keep small dogs. Big dogs are useful for pulling sleds, guarding junk yards, or extending the manhood of people who live in trailer parks and wear their hats backwards. But small dogs are utterly pointless. And revolting. I speak from experience. Recently a friend asked me to look after...

As I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday being gassed by the foul exhaust fumes from an enormous pick-up truck, it occurred to me what a ridiculous waste of space these things really are. There is no sane reason why men drive pick-up trucks (and they are almost always owned by men - if...

I’m not given to bleating on about “the good old days” but you have to admit, there are some things that were good before, and now they’re terrible. Here are a few that slapped me in the face recently: Power Outlets. You used to be able to put a plug in the socket either way...

Recently someone who doesn’t know me very well suggested we should play golf together. Apparently it’s obligatory when you live in an area of the country infested with golf courses. I must have had a few glasses of wine, because I agreed, despite never having played before. Once reminded of my obligation I thought I...

Computers are stupid. The simplest of tasks, tasks that they were specifically designed to perform, can befuddle them completely. Last night I tried printing something. It said it was printing. I waited in growing frustration while it didn’t print. I tried talking nicely to it. Nothing. Eventually one of those annoying little boxes popped up...

I have been going to pubs since before I was born. I like pubs, or at least I used to. But there has been a slow erosion of everything pubs stand for, which culminated this week in a catastrophic sign appearing outside my favourite local watering hole. It read: “New! Childrens Menu.” Given the missing...

Unfortunately our idyllic BC summer has yet again been spoiled by a nasty infestation of annoying pests. They are everywhere, buzzing around making everyone’s life a misery. No, not wasps. Not mosquitoes. Albertans. I have been considering what it is about them that raises my hackles. It’s not them being here that annoys me; since...

I am not a religious man. But I will admit, I am drawn by curiosity to those holy places where congregations gather for a daily ritual of feasting and communion. I’m talking of course, about Tim Horton’s. The last time I bought a cup of coffee was on a cold January morning in 1972. It...

There is a sub-class among us, the members of which have been labelled so that the rest of us may identify and avoid them. They are, of course, the New Drivers, forced to display a prominent “N” and subject to rules and restrictions which don’t apply to anyone else. And which they happily ignore. Well,...

Male grooming fascinates me. Well now, that didn’t sound quite right, did it? What I mean is, I am perpetually astonished by the fact that grown men go to such absurd lengths to make themselves look… well, absurd. Take the current obsession with facial hair. Everywhere you turn, otherwise sensible adult males have sprouted ludicrous...

Last weekend I made a ghastly mistake, one that will affect my life forever. I went to the beach.  I should have known better, but it was stiflingly hot at home and I thought an afternoon at the beach would be one of pleasure and relaxation. My mistake began to become apparent when I tried to...

I do not pretend to understand persons of the opposite sex any more than I pretend to understand quantum physics or other equally impenetrable mysteries of the universe. And the one thing that baffles me every time is their bizarre behaviour around babies. To a rational observer there is nothing less attractive than a mewling,...

This week I was invited to a wine tasting and dinner at a trendy restaurant, one that has received rave reviews in those self-important “lifestyle” journals with pictures of gold-lined swimming pools and advertisements for vulgar German cars. It was disappointingly plain. In fact the décor reminded me of a school cafeteria. It also had...

One of the worst things about getting on in life is that bits of you start falling apart. Recently I lost the use of a rather important part, one that I quite enjoy employing on a regular basis. I am referring, of course, to my arm. In particular the essential right arm. This is the...